Good Grief

II Corinthians 1:3-4 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort,who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.

Adoption is a blessing and an amazing way to build or add to your family. It is not the same as bringing home a birth child that you carried for 10 months from the hospital. There are many amazing parts to an adoption journey, but there can also be some very difficult parts too. Grief and grieving many aspects of the adoptive journey is necessary and many times it is very good to recognize and allow yourself to feel the weight of the emotions.

Grief is a very real part of the adoption process for the birth parents, adoptive parents and the adoptive child. It can come in many forms throughout and for long after the adoption has been finalized. Some children grieve silently; others may act out with various kinds of behaviors. Some adoptive parents may grieve for the birth parents while supporting their decision to move forward with their adoptive plan.

As an adoptive parent I've been surprised how grief can surface today, years after our adoptions have been finalized. I do not grieve our children nor that they are adopted. I do remember their birth families, in particular their birth mothers especially around Mother's Day or my childrens' birthdays.

I try to imagine how incredibly difficult it must have been regardless of the particulars in the situations. When the day came for their child to be born, emotions must have been a mixture of relief and incredible pain. Was she judged harshly by well-meaning and completely uninformed people that could only offer scant details and baseless claims from biased media? Was she given the respect and support from staff that took time to read her chart and familiarize themselves with her adoptive plans and details? Did her own birth family bring additional judgments and heaps of unnecessary shame or were they grieving beside her, bringing healing balm and strength to support her with the most difficult part of her adoptive plan? How did she feel being wheeled out down the hallway of the hospital without flowers, balloons or various kinds of congratulatory things being said to her as she left without the child that she had just given birth to? Did she cry out to God? Did she allow Him to surround her with His love?

Even though I was not there when my children were born, I know that God was. Right there in the midst of the joy and pain. How could I look at my children and not see their birth mothers' love and feel compassion about her pain that was a part of bringing them home to me? How could my heart not feel some sadness for the losses? There is incredible joy and I will forever be grateful for the gifts of adoption, but there are times of grief.

Thank you God for your gift of emotions and for being beside us providing comfort in our grief.

Michael Monroe, from Tapestry or Irving Bible Church has written an incredible article called Embracing the Grief of Adoption. Please read and allow his words to bless as you grieve.