What I didn't know

The past few weeks I have been thinking a lot about where my family began and what I didn't know.

We struggled with infertility and repeat miscarriages piling extra helpings of shame and blame on my already breaking heart. The confusion of crying out to God for my unborn children and the realities of little eyes and precious smiles I would never see this side of eternity. I didn't even know if my children were boys or girls?

The peace and the pain in whispered good-byes. The brokenness I felt knowing as hard as I tried, I could not make my husband a Dad. The fraud I felt as a woman and failure as a wife. I didn't know why God wouldn't bless me with a child? Were my sins too great?

God Knew.

"Build our family as You see fit."  A desperate and radical prayer as we were foster parenting. I didn't know when He would answer.

He was waiting for me to be still & know that He IS God.
He made those little eyes and formed those smiles of  my Heavenly and perfect children.
He held me up when the grief overwhelmed. He is a Dad and the One who makes Dads...and Moms.
My sins are too great, and He gave me a Savior. 
His Way to build my family.
His Truth about how I am created and who He is making me to be.
His Life, the abundance I could not have imagined.

I believed, but didn't see God then. He is unmistakable to me now.
Our home is filling with adopted and biological children...and another son we will travel to bring home soon.

Precious Mom or praying Mom-to-be, He knows!